I Remember…

by This is Carrie on September 11, 2010

I remember noticing what a beautiful blue sky it was that morning right before I headed down to catch the train.

I remember thinking “how tragic” when I first saw the towers burning, looking down from Sixth Ave, while not really knowing yet how truly tragic it would turn out to be.

I remember feeling weak in my knees when someone on the street told me 2 suicide aircraft were involved.

I remember seeing a woman crumbling onto the sidewalk in tears as she held the receiver of the corner pay phone.

I remember feeling panicked.

I remember being grateful that I knew exactly where my dh was and that he was safe.
I remember feeling frustrated that I couldn’t reach him on his cell phone.

I remember being relieved when I got through to my parents to tell them I was okay.

I remember crying on the phone with my parents as we witnessed the towers falling, me through my office window in NY and they from their tv in CA.

I remember trying to remain composed even though my mind reeled on the brink of hysteria.

I remember worrying about my bishop, other members of the ward, and my co-workers roomate who all worked at or near the towers.

I remember praying.

I remember the compassion in my bosses voice as she invited me to her home when I was too shaken to walk the 100 blocks to mine alone.

I remember the sounds of airplanes overhead and hoping they were the “good guys.”

I remember feeling terrified.
I remember thinking “Now I really know why these people are called terrorists.”

I remember being thankful for brave NYC firefighters and police officers.

I remember watching the never-ending news coverage.
I remember wanting to turn the tv off.
I remember that I just couldn’t do it.

I remember I couldn’t stop crying.
I remember that I didn’t want to.

I remember feeling unsafe.

I remember feeling trapped.

I remember fantasizing about moving to Nebraska

I remember feeling sadder than I had ever felt before.

I remember wondering if life could ever be “normal” again.

I remember feeling like the only place I could breathe was when I was being held in dh’s arms.

I remember my sweet dog, Sugar, getting a bad case of the shakes in response to my horrible anxiety.

I remember pouring over hundreds of “Have you seen me?” signs hoping that I would have seen someone.
I remember pouring over the same signs a few days later mourning those that were gone.

I remember wanting to give blood.
I remember hearing that they didn’t need anymore blood because there weren’t many survivors.

I remember feeling helpless.

I remember standing in the Manhattan church building a few days after, holding hands with a stranger, and listening to the calming words of the prophet, Gordon B. Hinckley.

I remember the horrible smell in the air as the wind shifted north.

I remember crying on the subway my first day back to work because I was sure someone was going to bomb the subway station and I would surely die.

I remember sitting at my desk on sept 14th trying to pick new colors for a plaid fabric and realizing how, in the grand scheme of things, my job was so meaningless.

I remember the overwhelming feeling of wanting to start a family.

I remember feeling proud of all the humanity shown that day but that feeling just couldn’t make up for the dispair I felt over the inhumanity that occurred that day.

Today I will choose to remember but tomorrow I will go back to wishing I could forget.

first posted here 9/11/06

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{ 17 comments… read them below or add one }

Chloe September 11, 2008 at 2:47 pm

I know that you wrote this 2 years ago but it always makes me cry – beautifully written.

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Mommymita September 11, 2008 at 6:29 pm

Wow – I remember sitting down during story time at a downtown Philadelphia library when the news got out. Everyone was pouring out of their buildings and the route home through independence hall was blocked off with police. I was weeks away from delivering my 2nd baby and I cried and wondered what kind of world I was bringing him into. Classes and public transportation were cancelled and Paul walked 3 miles home. We stared at the TV and wished we were back on our farm in MI.

I remember thinking of the handful of friends living in NYC, including you, and wondering what they must be going through and so relieved when you all sent emails that you were safe.

I also remember how comforting it was to hear President Hinckley’s words shortly afterwards.

It is not a pleasant memory for any of us but to actually be there I can’t imagine.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts

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Kathi D September 11, 2008 at 6:52 pm

I am so proud of young people who cast a vote for the future by continuing to bring children into the world and teaching them to be kind and good and caring for others.

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Who needs sleep? September 11, 2008 at 10:11 pm

Thank you for your well written words. I can only imagine your pain being so close. I am remembering also.

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La La Land September 12, 2008 at 3:15 pm

Beautiful post. I remember being in a 3rd world country surrounded by Muslims and being scared, sad, and confused.

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The Facks of Life September 13, 2008 at 12:10 am

Wow! I will never know how hard it was to witness but I feel it through your words and memory. I remember flying home from Hawaii that morning. 3 hours later the first plane crashed and I was grateful I wasn’t still in the airplane. And I felt sad that Sept. 11 would have a new meaning when it’s my anniversary. It was a bummer!

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Matt Fackrell September 13, 2008 at 6:20 am

That was beautiful :)

Matt

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mistie September 11, 2010 at 7:52 am

Thanks for posting this again carrie. I love it. I remember sitting in the basement, watching the TV, anxiously waiting for word that you were safe.

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april September 11, 2010 at 8:15 am

i too remember and we will never forget.

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Connie September 11, 2010 at 8:39 am

Carrie, I hadn’t realized you were there when this happened. Thank you for sharing this today. I have been resistant to spending time “remembering” today, but I know I need to. Your words were exactly what I needed.

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Holly September 11, 2010 at 8:52 am

“I remember wanting to give blood.
I remember hearing that they didn’t need anymore blood because there weren’t many survivors.”

That hits hard. I almost completely lost my composure at that line.

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Cameron September 11, 2010 at 9:08 am

Carrie, thank you for sharing your memories, thoughts, and feelings about your 9-11 experiences in New York City. I am one of many who admire you for the person you are and the example you set.

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Debbie September 11, 2010 at 10:37 am

Carrie-
That is a beautiful poem. Though I wasn’t in NYC I had family there. It was truly a terrifying day. Thank you for sharing those thoughts and emotions. My heart goes out to all those who were affected by the events of that day.

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Janina September 11, 2010 at 11:18 am

Oh Carrie, what memories. I remember feeling so guilty. We had just moved on the 1st of September and sitting in our cramped temporary apartment in Paris, I felt like I had abandoned New York City and all our friends there. Like I was some coward that had jumped ship and left everyone else behind to deal with the tragedy. Last night I was trying to explain it all to Louis, there was a discussion about it at school and he was traumatized by it. How do you help a twelve year old understand the incomprehensible?

Thank you for sharing.

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ShootingStarsMag September 11, 2010 at 12:01 pm

wow, this is a truly beautiful post. I’m actually working on a project called New Yorkers for a Day…the ones that actually were and the ones that weren’t exactly. This is the perfect type of rememembering.

Post: http://shootingstarsmag.blogspot.com/2010/09/911-remembrance-leave-your-link.html

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jonita mortensen September 11, 2010 at 1:24 pm

I, too, will always remember that day through you. We NEED to remember so we can appreciate the good in people and the goodness of this country and how blessed we are to live here. You were in my thoughts all day yesterday and I was feeling your pain because I knew it was going to be a difficult day for you. I love you.

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AMY September 14, 2010 at 6:40 pm

I JUST READ YOUR POST AND I TO WAS IN NYC THAT DAY GOING TO WORK ON SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY AND LOOKING INT HE WINDOW OF CHASE AND SEEING THAT SOME ONE CRASHED INTO THE TOWERS, I FELT EVERYTHING YOU DID THAT DAY AND WHEN I GOT HOME WAS THANKFUL AND GLAD AND SAD ALL AT THE SAME TIME. THANK YOU!

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