I remember noticing what a beautiful blue sky it was that morning right before I headed down to catch the train.
I remember thinking “how tragic” when I first saw the towers burning, looking down from Sixth Ave, while not really knowing yet how truly tragic it would turn out to be.
I remember feeling weak in my knees when someone on the street told me 2 suicide aircraft were involved.
I remember seeing a woman crumbling onto the sidewalk in tears as she held the receiver of the corner pay phone.
I remember feeling panicked.
I remember being grateful that I knew exactly where my dh was and that he was safe.
I remember feeling frustrated that I couldn’t reach him on his cell phone.
I remember being relieved when I got through to my parents to tell them I was okay.
I remember crying on the phone with my parents as we witnessed the towers falling, me through my office window in NY and they from their tv in CA.
I remember trying to remain composed even though my mind reeled on the brink of hysteria.
I remember worrying about my bishop, other members of the ward, and my co-workers roomate who all worked at or near the towers.
I remember praying.
I remember the compassion in my bosses voice as she invited me to her home when I was too shaken to walk the 100 blocks to mine alone.
I remember the sounds of airplanes overhead and hoping they were the “good guys.”
I remember feeling terrified.
I remember thinking “Now I really know why these people are called terrorists.”
I remember being thankful for brave NYC firefighters and police officers.
I remember watching the never-ending news coverage.
I remember wanting to turn the tv off.
I remember that I just couldn’t do it.
I remember I couldn’t stop crying.
I remember that I didn’t want to.
I remember feeling unsafe.
I remember feeling trapped.
I remember fantasizing about moving to Nebraska
I remember feeling sadder than I had ever felt before.
I remember wondering if life could ever be “normal” again.
I remember feeling like the only place I could breathe was when I was being held in dh’s arms.
I remember my sweet dog, Sugar, getting a bad case of the shakes in response to my horrible anxiety.
I remember pouring over hundreds of “Have you seen me?” signs hoping that I would have seen someone.
I remember pouring over the same signs a few days later mourning those that were gone.
I remember wanting to give blood.
I remember hearing that they didn’t need anymore blood because there weren’t many survivors.
I remember feeling helpless.
I remember standing in the Manhattan church building a few days after, holding hands with a stranger, and listening to the calming words of the prophet, Gordon B. Hinckley.
I remember the horrible smell in the air as the wind shifted north.
I remember crying on the subway my first day back to work because I was sure someone was going to bomb the subway station and I would surely die.
I remember sitting at my desk on sept 14th trying to pick new colors for a plaid fabric and realizing how, in the grand scheme of things, my job was so meaningless.
I remember the overwhelming feeling of wanting to start a family.
I remember feeling proud of all the humanity shown that day but that feeling just couldn’t make up for the dispair I felt over the inhumanity that occurred that day.
Today I will choose to remember but tomorrow I will go back to wishing I could forget.
first posted here 9/11/06